Chapter 16: The Need To Grow Up
Sensible people control their temper; they earn respect by overlooking wrongs. (Prov. 19:11NLT)
Every growth is a form of distance from what it used to look like. Every living thing on earth has a starting point where it begins to grow. As humans, we grow from foetus to babies; from babies to children and from children to young adults before becoming full ad#lts. Similarly in the spiritual realm, we also grow from one stage of our spiritual life to the other. As Christians, we must keep on growing from something-negative to something positive, or from something good to something better.
We must keep growing away from self towards becoming like Jesus. We must keep on putting off our negative emotions and at the same time continue to put on the character of Christ. In other words, we must grow towards Christ and becoming like Him. Jesus is the perfect example of a Man we can ever become. (Colossians 3:8-10; Ephesians 4:13; John 14:30)
- One major negative emotion that we must learn to grow away from is the way we display anger.
Society has consciously or unconsciously taught us to believe that anger is bad. If anger is truly bad as people believe, then why does the bible say in Ephesians 4:26a “Be angry… (and added) and do not sin”? Why does it say further in the second half of this verse, “do not let the sun go down on your wrath”? A closer look at this scripture as against the general belief of the society leaves us with a clear understanding that failure in learning how to rightly channel anger or handle it constructively remains the only reason for people to believe that anger is bad.
Steps To Controlling Anger
Some of the ways to control anger when one is hurt are hereby enumerated:
- Take the hurt to Jesus first of all and ask Him ‘What would you have me do?”
- Think with a pure mind in order to glorify God and to help you guard against magnifying the devil and the offence. The bible teaches us a whole lot of things to think about that will certainly help us glorify God. For instance Philippians 4:8 says, “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, honest, … just, pure, lovely, … of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things” (Philippians 4:8 KJV).
- “Let the Word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom…”(Colossians 3:16)
Wisdom here means in all application of knowledge and understanding. The New Living Translation says, “Let the message of Christ, in all its richness fill your lives”. God does not only want us to have wisdom but to demonstrate discretion. Discretion actually validates the wisdom received. The bible says, “The discretion of a man makes him slow to anger, And his glory is to overlook a transgression.”(Proverbs 19:11. KJV).
Discretion is the highest level of wisdom. For the purpose of explanation, discretion simply helps us to:
know what to do, what not to do: how to do it and how not to do it: when to do it and when not to do it; what to say and what not to say; how to say it and how not to say it; when to say it and when not to say it.
- Wisdom is not just the conveyance of truth but truth properly done on the bases of, what, how, why, when and where?
For instance a scripture says, Good sense makes a man restrain his anger, and it is his glory to overlook a transgression or an offense. (Proverbs 19:11, AMPL). The New Living Translation renders it thus: “Sensible people control their temper, they earn respect by overlooking wrongs.”
You know, we usually talk about ‘knowledge, wisdom and understanding. It is not enough to have the knowledge and the understanding of a thing without the application of wisdom-discretion. The how and how not; when and when not; what and what not, remain the keys that we all need as Christians in fulfilling all of God’s commandments in our lives.
To throw more light on these, let us consider this scripture, “Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ Forgave you.”(Ephesians 4:31-32).
If I may ask, why have so many tongue-talking believers who know what bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, evil speaking and malice mean, flouted this command? Many even cry to God with their hurts and refuse to forgive their fellow brethren. Why? The answer is simple. They don’t have discretion because there’s NO UNDERSTANDING OF SCRIPTURES in their hearts. Jesus said “Ye do err, not knowing the scriptures.” (Mtt. 22:29 KJV). Faith only comes by the word of God we hear.
1. Don’t be quick to return hurt for hurt (evil for evil)-Rom 12:14, 17, (see verses 9, and 10 also)]. God’s Love forbids it, and gives us room to forgive, forebear and suffer for righteousness’ sake. This is simply one major step in Christian maturity.
“… let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God” (James 1:19-20).
“He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, And he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city”. Proverbs 16:32
2. Apply tolerance. Tolerance can be defined as the ability to put up with something or someone.
3. Show the New Testament love to your enemy. Sometimes, when crises in marriage assume a higher dimension, husband and wife become poised against each other as enemies. God expects you who is hurt to at least show love to whosoever you assumed as your enemy.
“You have heard that it was said, You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ 44. But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, 45 that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. 46. For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? 47. And if you greet your brethren only, what do you do more than others? Do not even the tax collectors do so? 48. Therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect. (Matt 5:43-48)
Agape is the strongest love-block that builds us strong against all odds. We are made perfect in love-1 John 4:18. As a matter of fact if you want to practice God’s presence, just practice the Love of in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 needs the grace of God to God. Every single definition of Love as enumerated manifest it. For us to have control fully over anger, we need to be constantly soaked and lost in the Love of God. A constantly growing love produces a diminishing anger. He who is able to apply self-control against anger is more than a conqueror. He is able to guard or protect his territory from any invasion or intruder. (Proverbs 16:32; 25:28)
4. Avoid strife in advance. Sometimes it is better to look at a situation and discern that anger and strife are about to happen, and then carefully apply great caution in order to thwart the devil’s plan. I believe this is one of the main reasons why King Solomon wrote,
“A soft answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger. 2. The tongue of the wise uses knowledge rightly, But the mouth of fools pours forth foolishness”. (Proverbs 15:1,2)
A gentle tongue is capable of breaking the bone (Proverbs 25:15). Nabal’s tongue landed him in a big trouble and he ended up with a heart attack. (1 Samuel 25:10-13; 36-38). Abigail’s (good tongue) wise words prevented David from shedding blood even beyond Nabal’s family, and this gave her a great opportunity to become the king’s wife. (1 Samuel 25:18-35.39)
- A great deal of wisdom (godly wisdom) is very essential if we must keep good relationship. Anger can either be cautiously expressed or cautiously released.
The essence for expressing anger in a godly manner is to get to the point where anger is released or let go.
However, as we grow spiritually, we come to discover that we can let go some anger without even mentioning it or brewing over it at all, in order to avoid the temptation of expression that may stir up some further troubles.
We should learn to tame/control our anger. Certain conditions and our upbringing greatly influence our emotions in this area of anger. The only remedy is to build up our love relationship with God. The more we grow in love the more we shed our negative emotions.
The major problem to deal with in marriage is ‘Selfishness.’ John the Baptist said, “That He will increase and I decrease.”
“Self” will never decrease without the input or increase of Love first (1Cor 13:1-13). More Love of God leads to less self and less rancour-Col 3:14-16.
Anger outbursts make one lose control of his spirit, and no sooner than this happens, the person will become vulnerable and thus compared to a “city broken down and without walls” as in Proverbs 16:32; 25:28.
Anger outbursts, unresolved anger, bitterness, malice, unforgiveness are worse than armed robbers because they always have the propensity to leave a rot by affecting family life. Anger has robbed beautiful couples of their potentials and one-time good and sweet memorable days; divided their children leaving them with confused understanding of what a true marriage/relationship is all about etc. Lack of control of anger has indirectly or directly made many people think that another man or woman out there is better than their spouse.
Learning how to cautiously handle hurts maturely without being the second offender (one who breaks God’s word through revenge) will definitely go a long way to helping us reap great benefits by protecting the relationship between us and God; and between us and our neighbors.
